The darndest expressions

Patients say the darndest things. I can post here what they say, as long as I don't publish any names or anyway for you - my loyal reader - to discover whom I'm referring to.

I'll start with a few of my favorite statements that we get most often.

Living in the south, as you might expect, we come across some hillbillies. People who have only recently discovered electricity, but not yet deodorant and all of it's brilliant uses. Many times patients in this category may something like this:

"Baby, my back be painin'. "
This would normally be stated as: Sweetie, I'm having a lot of pain in my back.

Another good one is:
"I needs me a epiducal."

or how about:
"I want one of those back-e-otomies." (not even sure how to spell that - so I put it phonetically)

It's taking pleasure in the little things such as these statements that ensures that we keep coming back for more each day. The torture of the difficult patient can become quite comedic. We have those that are difficult to stick - that makes us earn our money. It's not every day the average person gets down on their knees and squish in a little hole then hunt for invisible veins with very minimal lighting. Then we have the ones who want to come out of the magnet, as soon as I've sat my big butt down. Then, pull them out - you can go home now, but the doc probably won't see you. Or you may not be able to get your meds, oh that one changes their minds - "I'm ready to go back in - I can do it." I'm thinking - we have a manual table - your 350 lb self is going in and out like burger king, and my back is wearing out at each millisecond you put me through your torture. Are you kidding me?

I say the darndest things too. So, all of this "venting" helps to relieve my tension. Most of these statements should be read with this in mind: I TRY to be funny and nerdy at the same time. I apologize if it doesn't come across to you - my loyal lovely reader - as such. I'm a big goober myself and I make a terrible patient. I love 99.9% of my patients. So please don't think I'm player hating on my peeps. It's just shop lingo and funny to recant some of the events. I am in the medical field to help people. Some make it more difficult and some make it all worthwhile.